The Gate that Won't Stay Closed

As I have been talking about gates a lot--I have a gate that just won't stay shut. Just when I think that God and I have conquered it, and I start to walk away; it swings open and hits me in the butt. And I start to think about it again. The pain, the worries, and the fear of what may happen all come back to me. "What if God doesn't?..." "Can I really trust Him with this problem? This part of my future? My hopes, dreams, the very thing that is most precious to my heart?"

The pain reminds me of a gate incident I had in my life several years ago. On my grandpa's farm there was one gate that I could never shut or really open for that matter. They are barbed-wire gates that you have to hug the wooden post and squeeze them together. Then you pull the wire loop over the main post, all the while hugging and squeezing the post attempting to not get barbed. Well I was about 11 or 12 and even weaker than I am today. I had been driving the four-wheeler and was all alone. Grandpa always wants the gates left how you find them. So I opened it with a lot of work on my part, drove the four-wheeler through, and tried to shut it. After many tries met with failure; I got angry at the gate and myself (which I tend to do). So I just let the anger work and with some more struggling, pulled the wire loop over the post. With one problem. My finger was stuck between the post and the wire. And I couldn't get it back up over. I was crying, my finger was turning purple because the wire was so tight, and the pain was so great that I felt like I could pass out any second. Thankfully I didn't pass out and with my remaining strength and spurred on by the pain; I got it off my finger and back on the pole.

But this gate in my life is very like that difficult extremely painful on at my grandpa's. Just when I get the victory, I realize that, "Ouch!" my finger is stuck. And I can't leave and it hurts so much. I can't go on and I definitely don't want to stay there. Preferrably I would just leave the gate open, but, no, it needs to be closed. I cry and feel crippled by the pain. I call for help and thankfully God is still around and rescues me.

So I want this gate to be shut so I can move on, right? Yeah--sometimes. But at least half of the time I want it to stay open and a lot of the time I sneak back to visit. Isn't that just twisted? Everyday I am more convinced that our human nature's and sin's view of life and way of thinking is messed up seriously. It really makes no sense. Just like the verse in Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."

Why do we go back when we know its not good for us? When we know and have been promised by God (our God who cannot, cannot lie!) that what He has is so much better? It's like leaving the apple pie to go eat some rotten eggs.

And maybe it's not even that bad. All in all of itself. But maybe it is bad, even deadly, to us, at this moment in our lives. Maybe it's like peanut butter. That is not bad or deadly right? I eat it almost every morning on my waffles. But to my mom it is bad. It makes her throat start to swell shut. And it wasn't always that way. She ate peanut butter whenever she pleased until her late 30's. Then she developed an allergic reaction. At this time in her life, to her, peanut butter is bad.

Which is very like my gate that keeps opening on me, calling me back. Later on in my life, God might give it back to me. And it will be okay for me. It may even be the best thing on earth for me. But right now it's unhealthy. God has told me to give it up because it's not good or what He wants for me at this time in my life. At this time of life, He has something better. Although the peanut butter looks delicious and is exactly what I crave; He says, "Don't. It will make your throat swell up. Have some rice. It doesn't taste nearly as good to you right now. But trust me. If and when I give the peanut butter back; it will taste four times as yummy. And I can make the rice more than bearable with my special seasonings."

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Psalm 34:8)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. I remember your ancient laws, O Lord, and I find comfort in them." (Psalm 119: 49-50, 52)

You Fight

A poem by me, for someone I love


I fought, fought, fought You all day and night;
Trying to make everything all right,
Working so hard alone--failing, failing--
But You were always there,
But You were always there.

I fled, fled, fled from Your mercy and grace;
Not wanting to live my life at your pace.
Running from God--struggling, struggling--
Why are You always there?
Why are You always there?

I fell, fell, fell hard to the ground.
Was there anyone who loved me still around?
Seeing no one--crying, crying--
Lord, are You still there?
Lord, are You still there?

He spoke, spoke, spoke to my broken heart;
Telling me I could make a new start.
"Come to me--willing, willing--
And I will be here,
I will always be here."

I ran, ran, ran into Your loving arms.
There I was safe from any harm.
Content to be--resting, resting--
Oh, were You always there?
Yes You were always there.

I followed, followed, followed as I went
Through life and where You sent.
Learning of Christ--growing, growing--
And You were always there,
And You were always there.

Now You fight, fight, fight all day and night;
Fighting for me You make everything right.
I am not alone--praising, praising--
That You are always there,
That You are always there.

The Inept Gate Closer

Yep I am inept at closing gates (and opening them too). Normally I just find it easier and quicker to climb over them.

What the heck does this have to do with anything at all?

Today we hauled cows for the last time. My grandpa decided to sell all but a few of the cows. It was something those of us who pray in my family have prayed for awhile now because it was getting to hard for Grandpa to do it on his own and we don't have the time.
So today Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Carl, Randy, and I went out into the cold to get the cows down from the hills. And it was cold. I don't think it ever got over 40 degrees and there was 2 inches of snow up there. Because it has been raining/snowing so much lately around here we figured it would take 2 days. But we got it done in 8 hours. What a blessing!
Dad and I reminiced in the truck about how much fun we have had over the years doing this--hauling cows--and we weren't being sarcastic (wow!). I can't remember a time when I haven't had this as part of my life. Branding, checking, hauling, and feeding cows are a part of my life. And no more. It makes me sad. But it is what is best for Grandpa. It is in all honesty, killing him.
And I could tell you all the details about exactly what we did and all the funny little incidents that happened today, but I won't. It is too long winded and my hands get sore from typing too much.

But back to the point with gates and such...

I am inept at closing gates. Physically and in my life.
I find it so difficult to let go of things that are important and precious to me. Even if it doesn't all make sense (note the glasses incident all of you who know about it). I guess it is good in a way. If it is precious and important to me, it should be hard to let go of, right? But sometimes I think I hold on to them too tightly. And it becomes a tragedy in my life. Like when they cut down the orchard years ago. I was angry even though, again, it was what was best for Grandpa and the rest of the family. I should be sad right? But I shouldn't let it cripple me in any way. People are harder for me to let go. Like one of my best friends. I still can't let him go. And I have struggled so much with it. Maybe God doesn't want me to let go completely so that I remember to pray for him, but I let it hinder other things in my life.

So any way I find it difficult to shut gates. And maybe I am not alone. Maybe others have these troubles too.
I guess we need to just trust that God will lead us. And we need to let Him. Sometime I don't. And I get more hurt. But I think He will help us shut our gates if we allow Him to. I'm depending on it. Otherwise I know that I will remain with a crippled, unhealthy part of me all my life. I have to just let Him heal me and close that gate (even if it just for a time to later have Him give me the gift of opening it for me again).

Trust Him to do the best for you. He always does. Trust in His ultimate understanding of every life situation.

I am going to. With His strong hands leading me every step to wholeness.