Sunday, November 06, 2005

The Gate that Won't Stay Closed

As I have been talking about gates a lot--I have a gate that just won't stay shut. Just when I think that God and I have conquered it, and I start to walk away; it swings open and hits me in the butt. And I start to think about it again. The pain, the worries, and the fear of what may happen all come back to me. "What if God doesn't?..." "Can I really trust Him with this problem? This part of my future? My hopes, dreams, the very thing that is most precious to my heart?"

The pain reminds me of a gate incident I had in my life several years ago. On my grandpa's farm there was one gate that I could never shut or really open for that matter. They are barbed-wire gates that you have to hug the wooden post and squeeze them together. Then you pull the wire loop over the main post, all the while hugging and squeezing the post attempting to not get barbed. Well I was about 11 or 12 and even weaker than I am today. I had been driving the four-wheeler and was all alone. Grandpa always wants the gates left how you find them. So I opened it with a lot of work on my part, drove the four-wheeler through, and tried to shut it. After many tries met with failure; I got angry at the gate and myself (which I tend to do). So I just let the anger work and with some more struggling, pulled the wire loop over the post. With one problem. My finger was stuck between the post and the wire. And I couldn't get it back up over. I was crying, my finger was turning purple because the wire was so tight, and the pain was so great that I felt like I could pass out any second. Thankfully I didn't pass out and with my remaining strength and spurred on by the pain; I got it off my finger and back on the pole.

But this gate in my life is very like that difficult extremely painful on at my grandpa's. Just when I get the victory, I realize that, "Ouch!" my finger is stuck. And I can't leave and it hurts so much. I can't go on and I definitely don't want to stay there. Preferrably I would just leave the gate open, but, no, it needs to be closed. I cry and feel crippled by the pain. I call for help and thankfully God is still around and rescues me.

So I want this gate to be shut so I can move on, right? Yeah--sometimes. But at least half of the time I want it to stay open and a lot of the time I sneak back to visit. Isn't that just twisted? Everyday I am more convinced that our human nature's and sin's view of life and way of thinking is messed up seriously. It really makes no sense. Just like the verse in Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."

Why do we go back when we know its not good for us? When we know and have been promised by God (our God who cannot, cannot lie!) that what He has is so much better? It's like leaving the apple pie to go eat some rotten eggs.

And maybe it's not even that bad. All in all of itself. But maybe it is bad, even deadly, to us, at this moment in our lives. Maybe it's like peanut butter. That is not bad or deadly right? I eat it almost every morning on my waffles. But to my mom it is bad. It makes her throat start to swell shut. And it wasn't always that way. She ate peanut butter whenever she pleased until her late 30's. Then she developed an allergic reaction. At this time in her life, to her, peanut butter is bad.

Which is very like my gate that keeps opening on me, calling me back. Later on in my life, God might give it back to me. And it will be okay for me. It may even be the best thing on earth for me. But right now it's unhealthy. God has told me to give it up because it's not good or what He wants for me at this time in my life. At this time of life, He has something better. Although the peanut butter looks delicious and is exactly what I crave; He says, "Don't. It will make your throat swell up. Have some rice. It doesn't taste nearly as good to you right now. But trust me. If and when I give the peanut butter back; it will taste four times as yummy. And I can make the rice more than bearable with my special seasonings."

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Psalm 34:8)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. I remember your ancient laws, O Lord, and I find comfort in them." (Psalm 119: 49-50, 52)


Fligdet said...

Everything you wrote is extreamly true. Actully it was wierd because it was everthing i was thinking. It's kind of what mike said on thurs. satan knows when we're weak and he also knows what makes us weak. And he's not against trying the same temtemption as many times as it takes. but like you said we have to remember that maybe god will give us the thing we want later we just don't get it right now because it could be harmful to us, but after we learn, grow and the situation changes he might let us have the thing we want. Or maybe when we can actully have the peanut butter we won't like the taste of it anymore.That's easy to tpe but hard to accept. Thank you for being such a great friend and sister,
I love you Dessa

SarahLynn said...

Wow. I love hearing your wisdom. So practically spoken and a great example of how God keeps us.
Sneaking back to visit! Ahh! How silly of us! But truth.
Thanks for writing this...awesome stuff.