Monday, December 19, 2005

"Let Me Love Thee"

No, I haven't been watching Jane Austen movies, although I would like to. It is a poem...

So here it goes.

"Let me love Thee, Thou are claiming
Every feeling of my soul;
Let me love, in power prevailing,
Render Thee my life, my all;
For life's burdens they are easy,
And life's sorrows lose their sting
If they're carried, Lord, to please Thee,
If they're done Thy smile to win.

Let me love Thee--come revealing
All Thy love has done for me;
Help my doubt,so unbelieving
By the sight of Calvary;
Let me see Thy love despising
All the shame my sins have brought,
By Thy torment realizing
What a price my burden bought.

Let me love Thee, love is mighty,
Swaying realms of deed and thought,
By which I shall walk uprightly
And shall serve Thee as I ought.
Love will soften every sorrow,
Love will lighten every care,
Love unquestioning will follow,
Love will triumph, love will bear.

Let me love Thee, Savior,
Take my heart forever,
Nothing but Thy favour, Lord,
My soul can satisfy!"

William Booth-Clibborn

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Beauty Contest

Life is full of up's and down's isn't it? (just a random question, that needs not be answered because I know the answer is yes)

"Providence is the way God leads a man who will not be lead... there are no accidents with God."
--J. Vernon McGee

Now I am reading in Esther. I finally finished Nehemiah, *sigh*, I wish there were more guys like him in this world. They have to be out there somewhere. But back to the subject... Esther.
She was a beauty. She won an extreme beauty contest. One for the position of queen. So she had to be gorgeous. She was a Jew so she did the whole thing without telling anyone who she really was.

Can you imagine 12 months of beauty treatments? That is what she went through! I would go crazy. Maybe a week or two of pampering at the most is all I could stand. And I wouldn't like being paraded before a ton of people and picked apart for physical faults. One of the many reasons I am not a beauty queen, nor most likely will never be.

Was her being in that pageant God's Will? Probably not. But God used it for His good and the good of His people. God still leads His people even if they are not in His Will. Isn't that amazing? My friends who aren't following Him is still being lead by God. But instead of them doing it willingly and following His will; He has to just work their circumstances and choices into something good. Lots of work for God. I know He likes it when we go willingly and aren't made to do something for Him.

God is all-powerful. He works and has His hand in everything on this earth. And His will is ultimately accomplished. I find great comfort in that. So even if I screw up, He can turn it around. I still want to do it right, but if I fail, I am not doomed to a messed up life for the rest of my life. He can fix it. He can make it truly beautiful. Hay! He can make my life a beauty pageant of all He has worked in it! Encouraging thoughts.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Meaningful Quotes

"One individual life may be of priceless value to God's purposes, and yours may be that life."
--Oswald Chambers

"Revival begins as an individual affair. There are those who have thought that Charles Finney was on the fringe of fanaticism. I used to think that too, but, after reading what he has said, I have changed my mind. He said that a revival is not a miracle, but the conditions for revival must be met. You can draw a circle, get inside that circle, and say, 'Lord, begin a revival in this circle,' and that is where it will have to be. After all, Elijah was a one-man revival. And there have been other men that have met these conditions."
--J. Vernon McGee

"Satan's main strategy with God's people has always been to whisper, 'Don't call, don't ask, don't depend on God to do great things. You'll get along fine if you just rely on your own cleverness and energy.' The truth of the matter is that the Devil is not terribly frightened of our human efforts and credentials. But he knows his kingdom will be damaged when we lift up our hearts to God."
--Jim Cymbala

"Jesus is not just looking for compliant martyr candidates. He's looking for hearts that are passionately in love with Him. He's looking for the kind of obedience-to-the-death that's driven by our consuming worship and devotion to Him. A worship and devotion that are nurtured by seeing and hearing Him, and being amazed and awestruck by what we see and hear."
--Ryan Dobson

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Crushed, Yet Not Destroyed

That is what I am. Especially last night.

I had an interesting time. I felt very strongly I needed some alone time--me and God. So I obeyed and went to my little camper. I started reading a Brio magazine article and just started crying. But I was praising God at the same time. I was happy and sad at the same time. It is so hard to explain unless you've been there. And I remembered a verse that Dawn gave me earlier in the year when I was burdened and a little depressed, just like last night. Zephaniah 3:17. And I can't remember all of what it says, but the part that really spoke to me was, "He will quiet you with his love." And I cried out to Him, "Oh Lord I need to you to quiet me." Because my heart and my thoughts were so tangled and everything was screaming at me at the same time. I just wanted Him to shut them all up.

He didn't completely. But He calmed me. Nothing went away magically, but He told me we could handle them. Me and Him. And He told me I wouldn't die from an overload of stress if I gave it all to Him. He wouldn't let me die; we'd make it through. He promised.

So here I am, continuing on in the fight. As everyone must. Without Him life would be unbearable. But with Him we can march on and even find joy and happiness in it all.

We can be crushed but not destroyed. Persecuted, yet not abandoned. And whatever else 2 Corinthians 4 says. We can and will make it.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

One-Girl Revival

I've been reading Nehemiah, my favorite book in the Bible, actually. And I've been reading along with it J. Vernon McGee's commentary which always sheds some light on things I just don't get.

And Nehemiah 9 is an extremely convicting chapter for me because it speaks of revival in the Israelites after they were finished building the wall of Jerusalem. To get there they first separated themselves from foreigners and those who were not Israelites. Which was actually a pretty big feat at that time because they had intermarried with other peoples. So quite a few of them probably had to separate themselves from their husband or wife. But they separated themselves which stands for making yourself separate from sins and stumbling blocks.
Then they confessed. And it says that they spent a fourth of the day confessing and crying out to God. That's 6 hours, people. A long time. They confessed their sins and the sins of their fathers. McGee says that although they were in a large group confessing their sins, he does not believe that they were confessing them to each other. They were confessing them to God, which is most important.
Next they spent another 4th of the day worshiping God and praising Him that although they had sinned as a nation over and over again, He was still faithful to His promises and took them back every time they repented.

And we need to do the same things as Christians if we really want to have a sincere testimony for Christ. If we want to have a powerful impact on our world. Because although it is Christ who ultimately works in other's hearts; we are the tools He uses to accomplish it. And if we are messed up He's not going to be able to use us. He'll find someone else.

We need to separate ourselves from the world. Not to become hermit (which is some days, oh so appealing to me), but to not be part of them, participating in their sins. Christians are just as bad as non-Christian these days. We have the same pregancy rates, the same drug rates, and most of the time you can only tell a Christian from a non-Christian if they are wearing a cross or a shirt pronouncing them to be so. We shouldn't need a shirt!!! They should be able to tell us apart without it!
I'm not saying I am any better but we need to get this right. It is a life and death thing. Our complacency is costing some person out there the light they need shone into their life. And without it they will go to hell. I face this conviction everyday when I screw up in front of my dad. He doesn't know Christ as his Savior. And my testimony could be what shows him the truth. Or it could be what shows him that Christianity isn't worth it. Isn't any better than anything else. It's a real truth that we need to wake up to. What we do, how we act, is a serious thing. And as Christians, our life is not our own.

We need to face up to our sins and repent. In the old days they put on rags and ashes to show that they were sincere in repenting. It was a symbol of the state of their heart. We need to be cut deep by our sins. We need to be sorry, and not just sorry when we are caught by someone else. God can only use us if we are broken with the state we are in. He can only mold the soft clay. He can only put us back together in the correct way if we allow Him to. We have to see ourselves for what we truly are. Sinners, who continue daily to sin, but are only saved because of our great Savior's mercy and grace. That love, mercy and grace, shown by His blood and life shed on the cross is the only thing that separated us from eternity in hell. That is all. He gives it to us freely. We accept it, yet continue in our sinful ways. We need to repent again. Our heart need to be soft and aware of when we sin. Somewhere in one of the Timothys it says that their (the world's) consciences are seared with a hot iron, no longer able to distinguish right from wrong. Our conscience should not be that way. They should be pricked with every sin.

And we need to worship God. Which sounds like the easiest until I realize what that truly means. We need to praise Him in everything. It is so easy for me to be un-thankful in my daily life. To complain and whine. Counting your blessings in everything is a difficult thing a lot of the time. And our lives need to reflect and worship God which goes back to what I said in the beginning. Our lives and everday living are the best way to worship Him. It is not just singing and listening to music which is a wonderful but small way of giving Him glory. Our lives, I think anyway, do it best (or worst, depending on what you are doing). He probably, in all honesty, finds more glory in our obeying our parents in taking out the garbage then He does in us playing a lovely song for Him.

All this is so hard to do. But is also important. But most things are hard that are worth fighting for. And our testimony, our life in Christ, is worth fighting for.

One reason that J. Vernon McGee said it was a personal confession of sin, is that it has to start with us. A one-man (or girl) revival. It begins with me. What I do. Not with what you do. I pray so much for revival. But last night when I was reading Nehemiah 9, I realized that it begins with me. My life is what I am responsible for. My life could be the start for revival within the Body of Christ to spread. It should be me.

And it could be you, where you live, that starts the flame of revial there, wherever you are. It should be you. Because He asks us each personally to leave all we have (our dreams, our sins, our shame, our plans) and follow Him.

When we do this the fire will spread. All fires do. And my fire will meet with your fire. All the fires will start new ones. And that is how revival will become reality in our world.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Thankful For...

Normally at Thanksgiving I look back on the year and find all the things I can be thankful for. Thanksgiving was 4 days ago, I know, but better late than never right?

I am thankful for my family. My mom, my dad and Jessi. Camper living has been interesting, but we've made it through.
I am thankful for our puppy Samson. He is sometimes a pain the butt, but he brings me so much joy so much of the time.
I am thankful that eventually we will be in our new house. It will be such a blessing and comfort.
I am thankful that God got me through 2 stupid breakups with... Brian, as Flidget calls him in her secret code. I am thankful that God has left me with promises of his returning to God. I guess that I can be thankful that He hasn't promised me that I would get him back, so that I don't have a reason to spend my time waiting around. I need to move forward.
I am thankful for my friends. Jessica, who although she is so far away, still loves me and does all she can for me. Bridget who is great company when I need it. Dawn who listens to me and prays for me. And other friends that keep me on track and encourage my heart.
I am thankful for the snow. It truly gets me in the Christmas mood when living in campers makes it hard.
I am actually thankful for my camper. It does its best and keeps me decently warm. And I know and am a little afraid, knowing God has put me here to prepare me for something later on in my life.
I am thankful for Randy who works for Petersen Welding. He is funny and kind. May he come to know you Lord along with Dad.
Most of all I am thankful for my Lord and Savior. He keeps me going when I can't seem to go any further. He is what I have to live for. I am thankful that He has shown me so many ways my life needs to change and thankful that He loves me despite them. Thankful that He knows I can do it. Now I just need to get that into my head.
And I am thankful that I have the hope of another year. It is not promised me. I could still die, but I have the hope that wonderful things are yet to come.

I'll leave you with "Jessica's verse" as I call it, in honor of today being her birthday.

"However as it is written:
No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

My Lord of the Rings Character


Merry Brandybuck

If I were a character in The Lord of the Rings, I would be Merry, Hobbit, heir of the Brandybucks and a friend of Frodo's.

In the movie, I am played by Dominic Monaghan.

Who would you be?
Zovakware Lord of the Rings Test with Perseus Web Survey Software

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Prarie Skirts

This week has been the attack of laundry un-done. The clothes basket has been full and I have had very few clothes to wear.

But today I felt gorgeous even though I had really no choice of what to wear and my hair was frizzy. But I wore a white shirt, my prarie skirt, black boots, and the brown jacket that Flidget gave me. And I looked good if I may say so myself. Okay I can't really say that for sure, but I felt as if I looked good. Personally I think it was the prarie skirt. It is my favorite and I love it because it allows me to be lazy and unlady-like while appearing to be dressed up and like a lady. Everyone needs one.

Isn't it odd or wrong or something how we look affects how we act and feel? For me, when I look like a lady I feel like a lady. And when I am covered in cow poop (which I have been before), I feel like crap.

But God says we are beautifully and wonderfully made. And He put no conditions on that. Not like people do. If people saw me when I woke up, they might run and hide. But God just looks down and says, "Wow! She's a darling. My darling." Isn't that cool? Because honestly, He made me without the makeup, so that is what He probably sees as beautiful. The morning me. Not the foundation with mascara, lip gloss, eyeshadow and eyeliner me.

It's those little realizations that click in my head every so often that brighten my day. That He loves me without my gorgeousness. He loves the inside me. The me that no one sees, or they rarely see. The one who freaks out when my sister spends the night somewhere else because someone might "get" me. The one who even silently doubts Him, fearing that He isn't everything He says He is, or that He won't bless me ever.

But I must go eat. So go out knowing you are gorgeous to God.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Death of Yota Petersen (1992-2005)

This week has been interesting.
Many things have been done on the house. Over half of it is now painted and today the carpet and linoleum is being put in the bedrooms/bathrooms.
God has shown Himself to be good to me in many ways.
He has helped me to conquer parts of my laziness and complaining ways.
I was able to spend 5 hours in Home Depot without complaining and adding to the already stressful situation. When we finally left at 3 pm with 5 regular sized carts full and 3 flat carts of home-stuff; I could say to myself, "Well done. You managed to ignore your starving belly and sore feet and let God have victory in that part of your life."
And then I have been painting for the last 3 days without complaining. Again, it is such an awesome thing for me! It encourages me that this sometimes sad excuse for a Christian can be improved.
And that is God, people. God in His power and glory. He wants to make us better. He wants us to be His home improvement project and He desires to fix every bad or broken part of us.
I love that He cares that much for me.
But to explain the title, yep, Yota died. My poor little car died on me Thursday night. And thankfully it wasn't because of the oil, which is what I was worried about. After youth group and our almost weekly after youth group meeting at DQ, I was coming up Robinson Canyon because it had opened just that day and I was so happy. In my car, going up my road, listening to "Getaway Car" by TobyMac. *sigh* Then I started to realize that I wasn't getting the speed I normally can in my car. I had to go into overdrive several times which is not normal. Once I got to the top and on flat ground I couldn't go over 30 mph without going into overdrive. So I knew something was wrong (even with my minimal knowledge of car workings) and pulled over and turned it off. We called Dad and he came and rescued us. Yota was pronounced dead at 10:30 pm, Thursday, November 10, 2005, of 2 blown engine cylinders.
On the brighter side, Dad knows of an engine we can get and Yota should be able to be resurrected within a month or so. So I am sad, but not to the point of seriously mourning which I thought I was going to have to do.

God is good, see. The house is getting done. I am getting more and more Dessa-improvements done by the masterful God. And Yota died yet will be resurrected at much less money than I thought.
Praise the Lord!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

The Gate that Won't Stay Closed

As I have been talking about gates a lot--I have a gate that just won't stay shut. Just when I think that God and I have conquered it, and I start to walk away; it swings open and hits me in the butt. And I start to think about it again. The pain, the worries, and the fear of what may happen all come back to me. "What if God doesn't?..." "Can I really trust Him with this problem? This part of my future? My hopes, dreams, the very thing that is most precious to my heart?"

The pain reminds me of a gate incident I had in my life several years ago. On my grandpa's farm there was one gate that I could never shut or really open for that matter. They are barbed-wire gates that you have to hug the wooden post and squeeze them together. Then you pull the wire loop over the main post, all the while hugging and squeezing the post attempting to not get barbed. Well I was about 11 or 12 and even weaker than I am today. I had been driving the four-wheeler and was all alone. Grandpa always wants the gates left how you find them. So I opened it with a lot of work on my part, drove the four-wheeler through, and tried to shut it. After many tries met with failure; I got angry at the gate and myself (which I tend to do). So I just let the anger work and with some more struggling, pulled the wire loop over the post. With one problem. My finger was stuck between the post and the wire. And I couldn't get it back up over. I was crying, my finger was turning purple because the wire was so tight, and the pain was so great that I felt like I could pass out any second. Thankfully I didn't pass out and with my remaining strength and spurred on by the pain; I got it off my finger and back on the pole.

But this gate in my life is very like that difficult extremely painful on at my grandpa's. Just when I get the victory, I realize that, "Ouch!" my finger is stuck. And I can't leave and it hurts so much. I can't go on and I definitely don't want to stay there. Preferrably I would just leave the gate open, but, no, it needs to be closed. I cry and feel crippled by the pain. I call for help and thankfully God is still around and rescues me.

So I want this gate to be shut so I can move on, right? Yeah--sometimes. But at least half of the time I want it to stay open and a lot of the time I sneak back to visit. Isn't that just twisted? Everyday I am more convinced that our human nature's and sin's view of life and way of thinking is messed up seriously. It really makes no sense. Just like the verse in Proverbs 26:11, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."

Why do we go back when we know its not good for us? When we know and have been promised by God (our God who cannot, cannot lie!) that what He has is so much better? It's like leaving the apple pie to go eat some rotten eggs.

And maybe it's not even that bad. All in all of itself. But maybe it is bad, even deadly, to us, at this moment in our lives. Maybe it's like peanut butter. That is not bad or deadly right? I eat it almost every morning on my waffles. But to my mom it is bad. It makes her throat start to swell shut. And it wasn't always that way. She ate peanut butter whenever she pleased until her late 30's. Then she developed an allergic reaction. At this time in her life, to her, peanut butter is bad.

Which is very like my gate that keeps opening on me, calling me back. Later on in my life, God might give it back to me. And it will be okay for me. It may even be the best thing on earth for me. But right now it's unhealthy. God has told me to give it up because it's not good or what He wants for me at this time in my life. At this time of life, He has something better. Although the peanut butter looks delicious and is exactly what I crave; He says, "Don't. It will make your throat swell up. Have some rice. It doesn't taste nearly as good to you right now. But trust me. If and when I give the peanut butter back; it will taste four times as yummy. And I can make the rice more than bearable with my special seasonings."

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." (Psalm 34:8)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

"Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. I remember your ancient laws, O Lord, and I find comfort in them." (Psalm 119: 49-50, 52)

Friday, November 04, 2005

You Fight

A poem by me, for someone I love

I fought, fought, fought You all day and night;
Trying to make everything all right,
Working so hard alone--failing, failing--
But You were always there,
But You were always there.

I fled, fled, fled from Your mercy and grace;
Not wanting to live my life at your pace.
Running from God--struggling, struggling--
Why are You always there?
Why are You always there?

I fell, fell, fell hard to the ground.
Was there anyone who loved me still around?
Seeing no one--crying, crying--
Lord, are You still there?
Lord, are You still there?

He spoke, spoke, spoke to my broken heart;
Telling me I could make a new start.
"Come to me--willing, willing--
And I will be here,
I will always be here."

I ran, ran, ran into Your loving arms.
There I was safe from any harm.
Content to be--resting, resting--
Oh, were You always there?
Yes You were always there.

I followed, followed, followed as I went
Through life and where You sent.
Learning of Christ--growing, growing--
And You were always there,
And You were always there.

Now You fight, fight, fight all day and night;
Fighting for me You make everything right.
I am not alone--praising, praising--
That You are always there,
That You are always there.

The Inept Gate Closer

Yep I am inept at closing gates (and opening them too). Normally I just find it easier and quicker to climb over them.

What the heck does this have to do with anything at all?

Today we hauled cows for the last time. My grandpa decided to sell all but a few of the cows. It was something those of us who pray in my family have prayed for awhile now because it was getting to hard for Grandpa to do it on his own and we don't have the time.
So today Dad, Grandpa, Uncle Carl, Randy, and I went out into the cold to get the cows down from the hills. And it was cold. I don't think it ever got over 40 degrees and there was 2 inches of snow up there. Because it has been raining/snowing so much lately around here we figured it would take 2 days. But we got it done in 8 hours. What a blessing!
Dad and I reminiced in the truck about how much fun we have had over the years doing this--hauling cows--and we weren't being sarcastic (wow!). I can't remember a time when I haven't had this as part of my life. Branding, checking, hauling, and feeding cows are a part of my life. And no more. It makes me sad. But it is what is best for Grandpa. It is in all honesty, killing him.
And I could tell you all the details about exactly what we did and all the funny little incidents that happened today, but I won't. It is too long winded and my hands get sore from typing too much.

But back to the point with gates and such...

I am inept at closing gates. Physically and in my life.
I find it so difficult to let go of things that are important and precious to me. Even if it doesn't all make sense (note the glasses incident all of you who know about it). I guess it is good in a way. If it is precious and important to me, it should be hard to let go of, right? But sometimes I think I hold on to them too tightly. And it becomes a tragedy in my life. Like when they cut down the orchard years ago. I was angry even though, again, it was what was best for Grandpa and the rest of the family. I should be sad right? But I shouldn't let it cripple me in any way. People are harder for me to let go. Like one of my best friends. I still can't let him go. And I have struggled so much with it. Maybe God doesn't want me to let go completely so that I remember to pray for him, but I let it hinder other things in my life.

So any way I find it difficult to shut gates. And maybe I am not alone. Maybe others have these troubles too.
I guess we need to just trust that God will lead us. And we need to let Him. Sometime I don't. And I get more hurt. But I think He will help us shut our gates if we allow Him to. I'm depending on it. Otherwise I know that I will remain with a crippled, unhealthy part of me all my life. I have to just let Him heal me and close that gate (even if it just for a time to later have Him give me the gift of opening it for me again).

Trust Him to do the best for you. He always does. Trust in His ultimate understanding of every life situation.

I am going to. With His strong hands leading me every step to wholeness.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Checking Yota's Oil

Today or actually just before I got here I had to check Yota's oil. She was in desperate need of it. She is such a thirsty car! The little pig she is.

You may wonder why I named my car Yota, or even named my car at all. Well Su(with Pepe) and my mom(with Nellie) did so I figured I needed to. (I am such a crowd follower!) And at first I thought she needed a white preppie chick name because it just seemed to fit my car. But the other day I thought, "Wow! Yota! Toyota, Yota. And she's green like Yoda." So it all worked out fine. Yota, the Fawn Slayer.

But I really do get tired of putting oil in her every week. And it made mom late for something because I had to do it before she left.

To add something Godly to this conversation----

We need to be thirsty like Yota, in constant need of God's love and grace to be poured upon us or down our throats like Yota. And we need to make sure we are close to Him, as close and right with Him as we can get. We have to check our level of growth in Him to make sure we are not running out. If we don't we will blow up just like my engine will if I don't keep oil in it like I should.

So be like Yota, thirsty, and keep close to God for your health.
God does a body good.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Cady Lake, Great Food, Gay People, and Seat-belt burn

This weekend we traveled to Belfair for my great-great Aunt Nina's birthday party. She turned 90 so we had a big celebration. Auntie Barb planned this all out to be a lake resort. The lake was Cady Lake and it is very pretty up there (or down there or however you would describle it).
It is a bed and breakfast place and extremely nice. It ended up being a lot nicer than we expected which is always a plus. Dad, mom, Aunt Cynthia, Jessi and I stayed in a room together and it wasn't that cramped; it was a big room.

We got there about 2 o'clock in the afternoon and were in time to surprise Auntie Nina. What really surprised her is that Grandpa Petersen came too. And he hardly ever goes away from his cows anywhere. But he came and she was so happy to see all of us. And she is doing fairly well considering the last time we saw her she was on oxygen and in a wheelchair. But she walked around with her cane and managed to last until around 6, when they took her home.
But anyway, there was a ton of food (typical of my family, food draws us together in feasting). I ate a ton of shrimp. That made me very happy. Shrimp does that to me. That and sparkling apple cider. Of which I had both with meatballs, broccoli salad, ham, Hersey kisses, and delicious cake. *sigh, thinking of all the food*
She opened presents. The family talked about old times and told jokes of which I won't repeat because my family... well... lets just say they are not Christian and have no problem with drinking, cussing, and other things. And then they took a bigillion pictures of us in all combinations. Petersens with Auntie Nina, children with Auntie Nina, Dousts with Auntie Nina, adopted children with Auntie Nina, friends and so on.

And then came the Bell-fairies. And no we do not call them that. They call themselves that. The Bell-fairies would be the several homosexual people that attended. You see my dad's cousin and Auntie Nina's only grandchild is a lesbian. Yep. And so her partner and 2 gay couples who are friends of their family were there.
Half of my family, mainly those who live over there on the coast are accepting of it all and it doesn't seem to bother them. But the rest of us, it creeps us out. It is just odd having to hug someone you know is a lesbian. But you do because she is family and it isn't like she does anything unappropriate, but you just feel odd and a little creeped out with the fact that she likes other women. I try not to think of it and that is why we will leave it at that.

Most of the people left around 7 to their houses and motels except us that came from far away. We stayed there. The boys, Jessi, and I watched Hitch, which I had never seen before. And we played some Yahtzee. And then we all went to bed.
We woke up in the morning and talked while Larry, the owner and host, made a huge breakfast for us. A few of the people came back for breakfast. It was great. (Can you tell that I most always think of food as great? lol.)
Then we cleaned up. And a few of us went to say good-bye to Auntie Nina again. Dad got "mis-placed"--he won't let me use the word lost, because, "We aren't lost. I know where I am at. I just need to find her house."-- and we spent 30 minutes driving around while the people following us because we "knew where we were going" followed us laughing. I could see them in the mirror. But we got there as always and said goodbye and tried to hug Auntie Nina without crushing her frail body. Which is honestly something you worry about.

So we headed off. Our trip there was uneventful. But our trip back wasn't. Between Tacoma and Seattle (if you can differenitate that) we got into a small car crash. Small, but it scared us. Four cars ahead of us slowed down quickly. The 2 behind them managed not to wreck, but the car in front of us tried to break couldn't enough because the road was wet. And we bumped into them.
As always there was so much to be thankful for. It crushed the front of the van but did nothing to the car in front of us. The huge truck behind us managed to swerve into another lane with no one in it, giving Aunt Cynthia who was behind them time to break. And it didn't hurt anything important on the van and we were able to drive it home. Jessi hit her head lightly on the seat in front of her and got a headache; I got seat-belt burn on my side because I was laying down sleeping at the time. But that was all. And because it was really no one's fault neither us or the other car were given a ticket. God always seems to protect us. I am so thankful for all the wrecks that we get in that end up being really nothing. (This incident, my fawn slaughtering...)

We got home around 4 and went and got Sam. He was happy to see us. And we were happy to be home. Safe and sound, having had a great weekend with family.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


This morning I woke up at 5:30 to go hunting with my dad. Hunting is an interesting sport. I love it but it doesn't really make all that much sense to me. Especially when most of the time you are trying to outsmart all the other hunters and not necessarily out hunting the deer. It is the hunting part I like not the stragegy. So it starts to annoy me a little when dad and I sit on a hill for 30 minutes trying to decide where we should go to outsmart this other guy up on the hill. Should we go south and chase those deer even though there are a ton of other people waiting on the south end or should we go along this rockslide and try to push the deer out of their beds hoping that there is a legal buck? Hmm. This takes much pondering. We ended up doing the later, which was my favorite choice. We did push the deer out and we would have had a perfect shot except that there were no legal deer in the bunch. As dad says, "We were snookered." Don't ask me what that means, I am guessing fooled or cheated. We were in such a hurry to get up the hill and make sure no one else got the deer that we took no water. So it was tiring and I am so out of shape.
But despite my complaining I really do like to hunt. The adrenaline rush of sneaking up on one is amazing. My dad's friend and I did that last year and we got about 10 yards away when we realized it only had 2 points. But I was amazed at what a rush I got. This year I didn't actually have a license or carry a gun because I decided that I didn't really want to shoot a deer myself. I have no problem with seeing someone else kill one, but I didn't want to do it myself. But I enjoyed going along for the ride and spending time with my dad. And he teaches me so much about deer and their habits, things I am sure he learned from his dad and it becomes a generational thing to me. I am glad to spend time with him doing something he enjoys, sharing that with him.

Father-daughter bonding is the best. I suggest that you all do some of that soon with your dad. It is such a special time. It's great when your dad treats you like a princess and spoils you with ice cream and such, but it is also great to do something with him that he enjoys. Even if you don't. I am blessed to enjoy what he does, but I think the main reason I do is because he is doing it with me. I don't want to miss out on that. I don't want to regret not showing my love to him when I was young when I am older.
In a way I also see it as preparing me for being a wife. A wife needs to be supportive and join in the things her husband enjoys too. Doing that with your dad can be a "practice" run. Like playing house in a way.
But most of all I see it as a symbol of our heavenly Father. He also wants to spend time with us doing what He wants and what His heart is in. And that is loving Him just like it is loving our dad here on earth. And it is important to Him just like I know it is important to my daddy.
I love my dads. I hope I am showing it.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Change My Name

For all you girls (because I have determined that no guys read my blog and if they do they leave no comments)...

This is the song that has been going through my head. Read and analyze--the song, not my head. It is by Cadet. It truly describes what I want and what He continues to do in my day by day.

"Seeking, hoping, trying to be who you want* fearful, thankful, able to see a difference*Change my name, change my name* I left myself and you remain* Change my name* Come and take away my pride* Break it, burn it, I know that you've always hated it* It's hard to say but I love you more than all of this* I love you more than this* When it's all lost, I find a freedom* When it's all gone, I find a life* So give me a name and I'm yours forever* Give me a name and I'm yours* Change my name, change my name* I left myself and I'm not the same* I left myself in yesterday* I left myself and you remain* Change my name"

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I am not really thinking about Christmas, but my nose when I call this Rudolph. I stayed home from church today because I feel like crap and can barely speak. (as some people in the crowd go wild with screaming because, hurrah, Dessa can't talk) Last night I felt like singing Rebecca St. James' "God", but my sister told me to be quiet. She didn't tell me to shut up because I was really emotional and would cry at the drop of a hat. Some of you may identify with that.

I smell good right now. I got here and realized I needed deoderant so I used my uncles. Its Old Spice and smells really nice. (guys out there--Old Spice is hot, along with Stetson. Sadly though, I doubt any guys read this. Oh well.)

Last night when I was feeling so bad, I also worried about my friends and their troubles. I just really prayed for them hard. And cried, but that was expected. I cry easily and frequently. But I was just like, "God, what do I do?" He said, "Continue praying and doing what I ask." Sometimes His answers are so vague. And He reassured me that no matter how far down they went, He could still reach them if they called out to Him. So that helped. I don't want to see how far down they go; I want to see them rise, but He can and will rescue them. That is encouraging to me.

Do you talk to God? Does He answer you? Cause I can hear some of you saying, "How does/can God speak to you? He never does to me. Or He hasn't in awhile."

It's His Word. His Word is so wonderful. As you read it more and more, more of it gets stuck in your mind and heart. And then when you have questions and are crying out to Him like I was last night, it comes to your mind. And that is Him speaking. But we have to be ready to listen and commune with Him. Twila Paris said in one of her songs, "When He speaks to me, when I take the time to listen..." and that is it. Those words soothe your soul like none other can.

Last night concerning my friends, how I new what He was saying to me is He reminded me of Psalm 107:10-22. It says,
"Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoners suffering in iron chains,
for they had rebelled against the words of God and despised the counsel of the Most High.
So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men,
for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.
Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy."
And that is what I pray for them. That they will let God rescue them and heal them.
God can also speak to you other ways but most common and the most trustworthy is His Word, the Holy Bible. And He will never tell you to do anything against or contrary to the Word. Never. If He does, it is not God you are listening to but someone else. A liar and deciever. Always check what you hear with His Word if it doesn't come from the Word. That is how you will know what is trustworthy and right.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Stuffy noses and making ditches

Currently I am struggling with a cold that my group of friends and I keeping passing back and forth among ourselves. We are practicing the Biblical principle of sharing in a sick, twisted way. Even my friend in Florida has it! I thought that was cool (another symptom of being sick, you want others to join in your misery).

I wanted to share also with you some stuff from Opened Windows by James Stewart. (Don't worry this is healthy, unlike the colds. I am sharing something good.)

He was talking about how to get the blessings of revival and what condition our hearts must have. And one of them that caught my eye was being prepared for the blessings so God will be able to pour them on you. And he used an image/story from the Bible.

In 2 Kings 3, the Israelites were stuck in a battle and they were sure they were going to die because they had no water. So they asked Elijah what they should do and he in turn asked God. And God said, "Make this valley full of ditches." After they were done digging the ditches God came and filled them full of water.

James Stewart says, "In like manner, when there is obedience on our part to the divine condition, there follows abundant blessing and continuous victory. The depth of the ditch shows the measure of the expected blessing."
The condition he mentions that is required of us for that blessing is true acknowledgement and confession of sin, "making ditches."
He says again, "There are times when we must stop praying for revival and get up from our knees and deal with the sin in our midst."
That really spoke to me in that I pray a lot for revival, but do I have a true revival, a turning away from my sin to the light that God offers? In myself I can see what that means for me, but as church I don't know what that means. Do we confront people of their sins openly? I always think, "I will pray for them and God will do it." But in that quote it says to stop praying for it, and deal with it. That is not openly accepted in our churches today. Charles Finney did it though. And he called people out on their sin from the pulpit. Wow! A bit scary. We say nowdays in our churches that judging a brother in Christ is wrong. But is there a difference between judging and dealing with sin? Where is the fine line there? I know there has to be one. In James 4:11-12 it says that God is the only one who can judge (which is true) and that we should stop judging one another. But in Matthew 18:15-17 it says that if a brother among you sins you should confront him quietly and if he continues to sin to meet with him and the elders and the pastor. And if that doesn't work to tell it to the church. If that doesn't work you are to "let him be as a heathen unto thee." I guess those two passages work together in unison when you think about it.
I wonder what our churches would be like if we followed those words.

It is something I have thought seriously about in the last few days. Please if you have anything to say or answer to my questions I have posed here, say something. It might be good to discuss.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

House update

For all those of you who are wondering...

At the moment house building is doing fine. All of in my family are so happy. It is great for us all to have good moods instead of being extremely stressed out and biting each others heads off.
Sheet-rock is going up. Soon there will be taping and texturing. It is so exciting to think that by this time next month, I will be living in a real house. With my own bedroom. Our own washer and dryer. A kitchen to cook things like cookies and pie in. No more campers, no more campers!

"And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.
I will remember the works of the Lord: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.
I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.
Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?
Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people."
(Psalm 77:10-14)

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Sam pictures

These are pictures of my lovely brat of a dog Sam. Isn't he cute?


I am sorry that I haven't had the time to write in awhile, but you know how life is...

I am sorry that following Christ can be such a struggle sometimes, but when you find that where you belong is right there in His arms... every breath it took to get there is worth it.

I am sorry that we allow ourselves to be held down by sin when freedom in Christ waits for us, wanting us to soar.

And I am last and least of all sorry that I haven't had the chance to play the game Sorry for ages. Maybe when our house is done (and it is moving along fast at the moment, Praise God!) I will be able to have people over for a game of Sorry.

And we will be able to rejoice in the fact that God is there to take away our sorrow.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Pretty Birds

Today there was a pretty little bird outside my window. First I couldn't
tell where it was but it was in that gigantic weed-bush that's next to our
camper. It was so tiny, but sang with such sweetness. Praise the Lord for

Monday, September 26, 2005

Hands Outspread

Hmm. I just finished commenting to my heart's content on other people's blogs so I will now get to writing.
In my life nothing especially exciting has happened of late. Which is good, because normally exciting=trouble or bad things happening in my life. Which equals change which is something I fear. (What an equation!) But fear leads me to seeking God in most cases, which is a "good thing" as Martha Stewart would say. Good motto: Seek God when you're happy, Seek God when you're sad; Seek God when you're angry; Seek God.
And if that's not enough to ponder...

"And at the evening sacrifice I arose up from my heaviness; and having rent my garment and my mantle, I fell upon my knees, and spread out my hands unto the LORD my God."
--Ezra 9:5

"What does it mean to spread out your hands to God? It means you are not concealing anything. It means when you go to God in prayer, friend, that your mind and soul stand absolutely naked before Him. Ezra went to God with his hands outspread. He was holding nothing back from God... We need to remember that in our prayer lives."
--J. Vernon McGee

Hands outspread holding nothing back from God. I want that in my prayer life. That and true repentance like Ezra. That is what I am after even if it is so hard to be completely honest with God sometimes. I don't know why because He is omniscient. He already knows. But I don't want Him to have to look down and see what is going on with me. I want to be the one to tell Him hands outspread seeking Him and His face.

{As a P.S., if any of you girls reading want to come and pray with us, I have a Bible study on prayer and you are invited and welcome to come. It's at Dave and Dawn Hellyer's house Monday nights at 7 pm.}

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Faith in God # 2

"Faith in God, and God in Christ, was ever made prominent. They were informed that this faith is not merely an intellectual assent, but is the consent or trust of the heart, a voluntary, intelligent trust in God as he is revealed in the Lord Jesus Christ."
Charles G. Finney

Mr. Finney was awesome in Christ. I absolutely recommend his autobiography.
He found that faith is a voluntary thing. We must choose to have faith in God. We must choose to ask Him to help us in our daily lives to trust in Him, have that faith in Him. He is not just going to do it without us first asking Him and determining in our hearts that that is what we need. Hebrews 11:6 says, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." We cannot please the Lord without that faith in Him. We have to believe in Him and His words to us in the Bible.
He truly does promise to bless those who seek His face. Even in the hard times I have gone through within the past few months, I have found that he does answer prayer. I prayed that my friend would find many good friends in college and that she would not be lonely. He has done just that and His timing in in was perfect. He is truly good to us and His presence is always there.
But we can't just expect for faith to automatically come when we become His children. We have to find that trust in Him. There will be times when as Christians we will doubt; but by leaning on His promises in His word and the past blessings He has given us, we can come through it with renewed strength and hope in Him. And a stronger faith in Him because, "The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." (1 Thessalonians 5:24)
He is faithful and therefore we can have faith.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Hello! Today is my birthday and I am 18 years old. Wow, huh? As always though I really feel no different. Yesterday they announced it in church and then after we all played soccer, mom came and brought cookies, juice, and a balloon. That night we had a birthday party at my aunt's (not the one whose house I am at now) for family. It was fun. We ate ice cream cake and talked about the normal things--like politics/government/current state of the economy. (Those are the things that are good topics for conversation in my family.) And Tom the cat tried to love on me no matter how hard I tried to keep him away. (An example that cats really do know I am allergic to them and are just out to torture me.) This morning I opened my presents from mom and dad. And that is about all that's happened to me. Tonight I will "hang" with a few friends.
One highlight of my day so far has been Sam playing in the water. I love it because our old dog, Blue, whom I also loved very much, hated water except to drink it. (Which is a little like me, but I really don't hate it--I just am not too fond of it...) But I taking back the hose I used to fill up the tank on our camper so I could take a shower, Sam started to attack the stream of water. So I squirted him several times and he continued to growl and jump at the water. (That is what I mean by playing in the water; I didn't get wet). But he was so funny and entertaining. I loved it. It is awesome how God made animals so much for our enjoyment and sometimes comfort. Such a seemingly small thing like that brightened my day.
Another thing that made my day bright was a call at 6:30 this morning from my bestest best friend in the world who now lives in Florida. My sister had to wake me up for it, but it was completely worth it. So that made me happy too. But it was also a little bittersweet because it brought up many memories and my feelings of missing her.
Friends are great things. I've thought about that a lot today, especially considering I am coming close to a new thing in my life. College. I still have a year, but to me college really symbolizes growing up. And I have honestly never actually wanted to grow up. I've always liked wherever I am at in my life, just like I enjoy all 4 seasons. Turning 18 and being technically an adult doesn't really do anything for me because I liked being 17. To tell the truth I am scared to grow up. And it scares me to have to go out on my own and make new friends. And it scares me to have to leave my family and the friends I already have. It does also excite me in a way, but right now I feel mainly fear. But I know and can have the assurance that God will take care of me. He always has. I'll go back to my life-verse again for the thousandth time and remember,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13

(Sorry for the rambling thoughts. But that is the state of my head.)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Sam, my love

I want you to meet Samson. Later I will put a picture of him if I can, but...
Sam is my family's new puppy. He is half malamute/timber wolf, half border collie. I call him my new boyfriend because I saw a shirt in Wal-Mart (where else!) that said," I traded my boyfriend in for a puppy." And my friends say it sort of describes me.
Sam and I are close because we stay home alone together a lot while everyone else is doing something exciting. He loves me lots and still climbs up in my lap even though he now weighs almost 35 pounds. Monday he and I were taking a nap on the couch and I woke up to him snuggled against my back, his nose in my hair and paw on my face. Which was nice, considering he sometimes, or most of the time, is naughty and wants to bite my face, my feet, my hands, anything he can bite.
He loves mom the most though. Ungrateful dog. But I am his babysitter and companion. Dad is his play-toy. And he likes my sister of course but she is gone a lot at school and when she comes home he is more interested in mom.
So that is Sam in nutshell. And he is nutty. But so am I and I love him.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Faith in God

Lately my mind and heart has made to focus on truly believing God and all He says. And it really is not that easy to do. I think it is because we have been taught by the world to not trust what people say. We are wary of promises. That is probably why Jesus had to say, "I tell you the truth," so many times in the Gospel. We are not used to the truth; we are used to lies. Coming from others and ourselves.
What started this was I was a bit depressed the other night and looking for encouragement when I flipped to Matthew 18. Verses 18-20 popped out at me because I already have them underlined. They say, "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again I tell you that if two on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." See He promises that He is telling the truth and that He hears our prayers when two or more of us ask for it. But do we actually believe that? With a true faith? Do we live like we believe that? Those are the questions that pricked my heart. I mean, sometimes I doubt what He says in my actions. I don't live like I believe that all the time. Am I then calling my Lord a liar? Ouch. But then I flipped to the next page and saw Matthew 19:26, "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' " He says anything is possible for Him. Further proof that I have no reason to doubt Him.
So I am now trying to live a life that does not say or look like I think my God is a liar. And one great thing about God is He doesn't expect me to be able to do it by myself; He promises to help me, even in believing and trusting that His promises are true. He knows what we are able and not able to do and He loves us in spite of ourselves.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


I am at my aunt and uncle's doing laundry and using their internet like normal. Somedays I feel like such a bum. It's like I live here. And they must get tired of it sometimes even though I try to be super-clean and remember that I really don't live here. But how else will I have clean clothes if I don't come over here?... Someday, hopefully soon, our house will be done. The day I wait for.

Got a cool quote...
"Revivals are sometimes accused fo making people mad. The fact is, men are naturally mad on the subject of religion, and revivals restore them rather than make them mad.
--Charles G. Finney

Mad here equals crazy. And to warn you for future reference I speak of revival a lot. It is something I am desperately praying for within the Body of Christ. Pray for it with me and several others. Our world needs Christ and the Church needs to take on holiness as a requirement to reach them. We should be an example of Christ if we bear His name. And as the quote says, no we are not the crazy ones for living for Him--they are the ones who are crazy and need Christ to restore them to how He originally made them to be. Made in the image of God.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

I have no idea what I am doing

I don't really know what I am doing but I love to journal so I thought this would be fun for me--even if no one reads it. Actually I wouldn't really care if they didn't.
I have a thing for books and am constantly reading one or three at a time. My mom asks me how I can keep them all straight. I don't know but I do. Like I am reading Opened Windows by James A. Stewart (which you really should read if you can find it), an autobiography on Charles Finney, and some Christian romance book right now.
Well I need to go.